~OrangeySnicket

It's June now. It came fast... overall, things have been coming fast, so it's not surprising me.

At the moment, it feels like I'm drifting, and am really trying to STEER myself somewhere. One of my goals has been completed -- getting a job. I thought it'd be fulfilling somehow ... but it's not. Sure, it gives me something to do, so I value my free time more. The hours are great -- I get 2 days or one day off in between. And hey, it's not terrifically boring.

Yet it's still one of those things where I'm just trekking and trekking through... every hour, every day, every week, every month. It's changed the way I see the summer. Which is strange because... this is totally what I expected from the summer. That I'd be going to work for a few hours, a couple times a week. I guess I didn't know how it'd affect me, mentally. But you know what? If I didn't have a job, I'd be feeling the same way. It's the lesser of two evils here, because I get money for being apathetic.

Now, with a job, the way I see the summer is as another period of time to hold my breath under, and then gasp for breath in great relief when I'm out. I'm tired of doing that -- holding my breath or whatever. I did that for the past year of uni. What makes this particularly disheartening is knowing that when that period over, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll reach a point that's any better.

As much time I've got for creative pursuits, I almost want school to be here again, just so I don't have to put up with a job. At least I learn stuff in school, so it's not this time-filler.

It seems that what's going on with me is that I've got a case of aimlessness -- nothing to look forward to. Consider my time in elementary school and high school -- I'd wake up every day, and even though I might have been jaded sometimes, I found it a nice place to be. These days it's a bit different -- I'm not UNHAPPY about where I am... I'm apathetic towards it, and at the worst, unsatisfied. Uni has proven itself to be something that has its positives and negatives, so it balances out to this "meh" attitude of mine. This summer so far, while it's a bit better than second-year uni, is not the best either.

Like I said before, I'm tired of trekking, only to be trekking further. I need to know I'm headed somewhere where I'll enjoy myself. So to know that for the next 3 months (and possibly more if third-year's not too great) I'm gonna be ticking off the days, weeks, and months ... it's disheartening.

I can't go on doing that, to just be waiting for a long time, for it to be over. My purpose can't be doing stuff I don't value. I don't know where, when, or how I can find a point in which I'll be satisfied again. That's the aimlessness of it -- I don't know where I can go. That's what I mean by "drifting" and trying to "steer" myself.

I've figured out what to do, as best as I can. Writing, songwriting, listening to music, reading, going outside ... that's all a way to find some true enjoyment in these days, to have the day be worth something to me.

As for a proper way out ... it's a matter of time. At least I've got more time to do I like, and it sparks some life into me in those moments, and makes things tolerable.